lost

It amazes me to see how I can feel so close and tight with God one day, and *poof* … I wonder where He is the next day.

It’s so easy to take my eyes off God and start wandering my own way. I feel a bit lost. I need to get back on the main road.

I am a wounded soldier

I think God speaks to me in images. I was standing in church as we were singing Your Grace is Enough by Chris Tomlin. I was singing and I suddenly had an image flash into my mind. I had an image of war, like a scene out of Saving Private Ryan. I’ve actually never seen the movie, but I feel like I’ve probably seen this one scene when they’re saving Private Ryan, or I can totally be making this up in my head. But essentially, I pictured two pretty banged up soldiers in camouflage uniforms with their guns, helmets, and heavy backpacks. One of them is shot in the leg and unable to walk. So the other soldier puts the injured soldier’s arm over his shoulders, and they journey for cover. The war continues.

This Saving Private Ryan scene depicts the journey of the Christian faith as a body of believers where we  journey together and support one another. Sometimes we fall, but we pick each other up. My prideful self convinces me that I’m the one that picks people when they fall. In this scene, I usually picture myself as the paramedic in clean, white uniform that helps the wounded soldiers in the war. But today, God showed me that I’m really a soldier fighting in the same war. I’m not immune to the dangers of the war. And actually, I’m wounded too.

Great is Your love and justice God
You use the weak to lead the strong
You lead us in the song of Your salvation

And you know what… I think I’m actually more wounded. Perhaps I’m the one that’s shot and bleeding excessively all over the place, and I need help. Sometimes my wound comes in the form of cancer and it’s easier for me to not detect that I am wounded and not know I need immediate help. I’m never beyond my constant sins and struggle. And the very moment that I think I am better than someone else (Christian or not Christian), I’m actually in desperate need.

I like how Shane Claiborne puts it:

“When we have new eyes, we can look into the eyes of those we look into the eyes of those we don’t even like and see the One we love. We can see God’s image in everyone we encounter. As Henri Nouwen puts it, ‘In the face of the oppressed I recognize my own face, and in the hands of the oppressor I recognize my own hands. Their flesh is my flesh, their blood is my blood, their pain is my pain, their smile is my smile.’ We are made of the same dust. We cry the same tears. No one is beyond redemption. And we are free to imagine a revolution that sets both the oppressed and the oppressors free.”

daring to dream

I had a wonderful time at AACF winter retreat this past weekend. At retreat, we learned about what it means to ask, seek, and knock in Matthew 7:7-8. I must admit that upon seeing those words, I feel like it’s something really obvious. But the speakers convinced me that I really didn’t understand. Actually, I think it’s easy to “understand,” but much harder to follow through with. At retreat, a married couple shared their testimony of how they’ve been asking and seeking God, and how God’s been so faithful in the midst of all of it. I’m blown away by their faith and trust that God will provide. Sometimes, I really don’t believe God will actually provide me with an answer I would be satisfied with… and I rather just not ask God at all. Rather, I kind of stand outside the door, awkwardly trying to avoid knocking at the door.

However, I think I realized how faithful God really is and how much I really don’t let God do His thing in my life. Rather, I choose to just do my own thing and somehow justify that, that is God’s will. And I realize my own agenda in life is pretty boring, haha. If I were to run my own life without God… I can picture myself simply satisfying my physical desires — make decent amount of money, have a family, own a house in suburbia, and eventually make enough money to put my children through college and make it to the end of my life with enough retirement funds. Actually, even with God in my life now, I can’t help but to think that way still. And I just feel like this is just a way to get by in life decently and comfortably. I would almost say that I feel like I’m suffocating myself in this lifestyle… this lifestyle that my parents and the world has convinced me to think is the “pursuit of life.”

But I think this is why we must have so many regrets at the end of our lives… or why people who have near-death situations live their lives so much more gratefully and differently. We don’t actually do what we want to do in life! Perhaps this comfortable life style that I’ve always thought up is suffocating because I never let myself run freely. I live my life with so many “should do’s” rather than “want to’s”.

In the midst of my comfortable life where I have everything that I need and more, something inside of me tells me that there’s something more comfortable than this. I have a theory that people like Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, Shane Clainorne (author of Irresistible Revolution), and Paul in the bible knew of that comfort. And I really think that the more I let myself free and let God work in my life, the more comfortable I’m going to be. But to be fair and honest, even as I say that, I really don’t believe it. But these people did it, and they lived a life outside of themselves. They dared to dream and pursue of  a life that was against what the world said was comfortable. And the only reason I can think of is that they found something more comfortable… or worth pursuing. And I too want that freedom to dream and live freely and passionately. I’m not sure what life will look like for me, but all I know is that God’s been giving me a bunch of ideas and that I’m just really excited… whatever my next step ends up being. Hah, and who knows… my next step can be  more school or just living at home… simply ordinary things. But God will use that and my heart along with it. For now, my hope is to  let my mind run wild and dream of all the things that I can do, simple or radical. And I’m not going to let “comfort” stop me from dreaming.

*I just wanted to clarify that I’m not putting down anyone that’s living the “suffocating” life that I described. In contrasting my dreams of the past to what I want to hopefully pursue now, I realize that I was suffocating myself.

my walk with God is like watching foodnetwork

With the luxury of cable TV, my all time favorite channel and one of the only channels that I’ll watch nonstop is foodnetwork. I’m especially fond of cake challenges. But if you know me, I don’t bake or cook that much and I really don’t put that much time into learning or practicing. Yeah.. you would think that all that time in front of the foodnetwork channel would make me a decent cook or baker. The major problem is that I’m spending all my time simply “watching” and “learning” on TV that I fail to take the time outside of the TV time to put what I’ve learned into practice. What makes one a good chef isn’t simply sitting there and passively listening, it’s actually practicing the things that are taught.

This reminds me a lot of my walk with God. I can spend many hours of my week reading Christian books, listening to Christian music, going to church and serving… but this stuff really doesn’t grow my faith unless I practice what I’ve learned and take the time outside of the stuff I mentioned above to spend time with God.

I read the book “Prodigal God” by Tim Keller and I’m absolutely in love with it. He takes the parable of the prodigal son parable and gets to the heart of what the gospel truly is. Most pastors that preach on this passage focus on the younger brother’s worldliness, as he takes his father’s inheritance and wastes it. When he humbly returns to his father, the father rejoices and welcomes him home. However, Keller states that the older brother is just as lost as the younger brother, for his self-righteousness puts a barrier between him and the father. Essentially, Keller states that neither of the brothers truly loved the father and both of their approaches were wrong.

As I read all but the last concluding chapter of the book, I was pretty psyched about the book. Keller had set the stage for me, helping me to see how not to live. What’s left of course is how exactly do I live now. I was really curious as to what advice he would offer to avoid being either of the brothers and how I am to find a balance between the two. When I first finished the last chapter, Keller concludes to say that the only way or approach to the gospel is through Jesus.  I thought to myself, “that’s it? well, I knew that!” Such an immature response made me realize how much I did not take to heart what Keller was trying to say in the previous chapters of the book nor did I understand the heart of God. I wanted an easy, more condensed conclusion.

I’ve had quite a few of those “aha!” moments in college whether it’s learning about the immense freedom the gospel provides or how much faith is about a relationship. Whenever I have questions or thoughts about God, I have a really, really strong desire to come to some conclusion. Perhaps, this is the nature we have as human beings? But for myself, I really dislike having things hanging and not having a sense of closure. I like to have some concrete answer and somehow reading that last chapter of Tim Keller’s book was not a very “aha!” moment.

It’s my desire to always come to concrete conclusions about Christianity that cheapens the gospel. It’s like I’m putting Christianity in my own little box. No matter how big my box may increases as I discovery more, it just doesn’t deserve to be in a box period. Instead of growing in my understand of how all-embracing the gospel is, I sometimes ironically find myself limiting the gospel into “aha!” conclusions I’ve made. I can see it breaking down my faith in how I judge those that may not “fit” into my ideas. For example, after discovering for myself the great freedom we have in the gospel, I find myself bothered by Christians that don’t see this freedom. I find my views of freedom quite restricting by having such thoughts like that. The beauty of the gospel is that it cannot be contained by conclusions I’ve drawn no matter how profound or grand they are. And I think my lifelong journey is to realize that the gospel message never changes, but the package of the gospel comes in a lot of shapes and sizes. For me, realizing how different the package of the gospel looks like for different people helps me to see just how much depth there is to the gospel. How the gospel works out in my life can look very different from how it may work out in someone else’s. The purpose isn’t to make our walks with God all the same, but to grow in our realization of the gospel over and over again because it humbles us and brings us back to our savior. I was reminded by Keller how sin isn’t about breaking a list of rules but it’s about replacing God with other things. Likewise, I think what brings life isn’t so much adhering to a bunch of rules, but deepening our understanding of the magnitude of the gospel which is a never-ending process..

“The gospel of Jesus is not religion or irreligion, morality or immortality, moralism or relativism, conservatism or liberalism. Nor is it something halfway along a spectrum between two poles — it is something else altogether. The gospel is distinct from the other two approaches: In its view, everyone is wrong, everyone is loved, and everyone is called to recognize this and change.” – Tim Keller, Prodigal God

celebrating christmas

A few weeks ago my church started advent. When I think of advent, I usually think of the church setting aside 5 minutes of their Sunday service to read a verse and light a candle for like 4 weeks until Christmas Sunday. But Pastor Joey described a bit more about what advent is about. It’s simply a time to prepare for the coming of Christmas as it is easy to get caught up in the busyness of Christmas and forget what Christmas is about. Such a simple concept but an important one. It just never occurred to me that my lack of preparing for Christmas in my heart is the reason why Christmas isn’t worshipful for me. But I think Christmas should be one of the most worshipful times of the year. It’s crazy to think that a King would have the humility to be born into this broken world with nothing but love for us.

Since the Sunday they lit the first candle, I’ve been too busy to go to Sunset for church as I furiously studied for 3 weeks and took a small trip to visit a high school friend in Ridgecrest. Quite honestly I haven’t really felt like I’ve settled down and had time to prepare for Christmas.

It is really easy to forget what Christmas really is about. So much busyness at the malls to buy presents… gathering of relatives and friends… So many things to do, so many places to be, and so many obligations to fulfill. I really wish I could celebrate Christmas on my own sometimes. As sad as that may sound, I think it would actually be really restful to me. If you know me, I hate obligations and just the idea of having to do or be somewhere just because…  to me, it’s one of the worst “good” reason to do something and it bugs me. Perhaps one of the biggest obligation of Christmas is giving gifts. Comparing myself to my sister who I must say is one of the best gift-givers I know, I realize how thoughtless I am and how I just plain suck at giving good gifts to people. Hah, I can definitely use some improvement in this area especially being more thoughtful. But at the same time, I’m comforted in knowing that Christmas, the celebration of the birth of Christ, isn’t really about how good we are at giving gifts but how great the gift of Christ was to us. I think perhaps giving gifts to each other a symbol how we are able to give freely because the greatest gift was given to us.

I was hoping that I would be able to spend a restful day listening to music and reading the bible. Heh, but that didn’t happen. I won’t blame it on my busyness because I think a lot of it is also my laziness. But luckily God doesn’t tell me I’m obligated to the world’s or my expectations. But He rejoices to see me sleep in till noon, to hear my off-tune version of O Holy Night, or to know that I’m incapable of giving a gift to Him that compares to anything He gives me. My imperfections remind me that God loves me as I am. He came into this world knowing what condition I was in and still am in.

Honestly, I’m not sure how I ought to celebrate Christmas. Perhaps it’s to find joy and not let these obligations bring me down, to have a heart of gratitude and thankfulness for God’s gift, and to spend quality time with the loved ones  around me that I often neglect. Yeah… I don’t know, all these things sound good I guess. But I think above all these things, I’m just longing to cerebrate Christmas with Jesus and to have Him renew me with His amazing love for me. And I’m sure somehow everything else will fall into place.

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
How You love me

uncertain about the future

My career choices have never quite swayed far from the medical field. Starting in middle school, it went something like… optometrist, physical therapist, doctor (very short-lived idea), nurse and a somewhat full circle back to physical therapist. For the most part, I’ve jumped from career to career when the previous just didn’t feel like it suited me anymore. Partly, I think this is because of a constant pressure from my dad to somehow know what I want to do. Apparently, he doesn’t know about that statistic of how many times people change their majors and career choices. Because of this, I’ve always tried to find stability in being temporarily set in a career choice that is probably prone to change… course, I didn’t realize this because I’m so good at lying to myself.

I think I do have a good number of reasons how physical therapy may be a good match for me. I like to do things with my hands, I like learning about how the body works, I like the idea of relieving pain through pressure and massaging, I don’t mind having a job that will make me physically tired at the end of the day, I like how this job will encourage me to be physically fit so I can be in better shape to help my patients, and I think helping people gain mobility is a really rewarding thing.

Recently, I was wondering if this is something I want to pursue that will give me the most fulfillment I want from a career. Or is the point really to find the most fulfilling job? In the end, I think a job is a job. I can draw as much meaning I can from my job, but it is mostly a way to earn money and get by in life. Anyway, what strikes me most is why I always I think I’m so sure about my career choice when I’m not… I think it just feels better to think I’m sure than to be not sure at all. I don’t doubt my interests in physical therapy, but I’m really not sure if I’m ready to commit to this career just yet.

And for once I want to explore how it feels like to just be unsure. Instead of giving people this scripted answer about a future I’m unsure about… perhaps I want to say I’m still thinking about it. And I really hope that God will direct me somewhere… I guess He is bound to answer if I cared enough to listen more. In the mean time I’m learning how to be uncertain and let God throw me curve balls. I realize I haven’t given myself a chance to explore something outside the medical field… outside a job that pays at least $60k… and outside a job that my dad expects me to have. Outside of being simply pragmatic about my career, I haven’t had the opportunity to dream and believe that there really is a career out there for me that can fulfill the needs of my soul better than money, prestige or my dad’s opinions. I may have an idea or two in mind… but yeah, I really don’t know if that’s where God really wants me to be or if I’m just being silly. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

heart of a fixer

If you know me well, you’ll know me as Michelle the doer that likes to fix things and make things better. Sometimes, I kinda wonder if I would be a good engineer, heh. But I think this stems from intangible things… like relationships. Perhaps I have a mind of a counselor. Whatever it is… my idealistic view always convinces me that there is always a solution and things can always be better.

When I see needs in people’s lives, I have an immediate desire to want to help in some way, small or big. I guess I have this slightly prideful mentality that I can somehow make things better because I know better or something. But yeah, I don’t really know all that much… and I need to tell myself that I can’t fix everything.

Out of all the instances in my life, doing Yearbook in high school was one of the most stressful thing I had to do… it was pretty hectic. But if I learned anything from that experience, I learned that I can never fix all my mistakes. The staff, adviser and I would look through all the pages before the final draft to make sure that everything was good and perfect. And even when I knew that I didn’t make any mistakes on a page of the yearbook… when the yearbook came printed at the end of the year, there were a bunch of printing errors that would leave strips of white space on the top of some various pages. Printing errors are beyond my control. I could have spent weeks going through drafts trying to find errors, but in the end… a yearbook is bound to have mistakes no matter how hard I try to prevent them. I think in the very same way, our lives are bound to have mistakes and sometimes we just need to deal with it.

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about people I’ve been spending time with. I’ve been trying to understand things they’ve been going through and things they’ve been struggling with. And a huge part of me wants to help them get through it… to find answers for them… etc. And honestly, it is kind of tiring to think about these things… and I was greatly reminded by God that these are not my burdens to carry. Who am I to think that these are my burdens… they’re not even mine to begin with! And I really don’t think I have the capacity to handle all of them anyway.

But it’s refreshing to know that God doesn’t ask me to do anything… and He will surely fix (perhaps in heaven) everything and carry all these people through. I’m not the fixer, God is.

I still really like the Message translation of Matthew 11:28-30.

^28-30“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

Big God should be personal God

We had a pretty interesting message at AACF LG this evening as Pastor John from a church in SF spoke about experiencing God. His thoughts were beautiful to me and so true. He talked about how he used to worship the little god that he has known growing up at church… hmm, I don’t know how else to describe it. But I think it’s mostly the god that didn’t mean that much, the god that never really changed his life around. It wasn’t until he met other people that knew the Big God and when he was worshipping at a missions trip one night, that he met the real Big God. It changed his life.

Lately, I’ve been wondering whether the  God I worship is a personal God to me… I know Him as a BIG creator that can do great miracles, but is that enough? Is that thought of God BIG enough? I guess I can never and will never comprehend the characteristics of God anyway. But even so, I wonder… what has God revealed to me in my life that I can attest to? I think these thoughts go hand and hand with my thoughts about having an updated testimony. But honestly… I wish I could point to moments in my life where I can say, “yes, that was Jesus.. I experienced Him.” … to live off my own account of Jesus rather than what others say they experienced whether that’s in the bible or people I know in life. And I know God is big enough to reveal Himself to me in His own special way. Heh, I’m either very unobservant and unappreciative of my life or perhaps I haven’t quite experienced God the way I would like to. I’m not sure, perhaps it’s both.

If you don’t get what I mean by a big, but impersonal God, let me give you an example. It’s kinda like President Obama. I have no doubt that he is our president and he has great power to make decisions for the US. (okay, for the most part… I don’t know government that well, but you get the point). But the point is that, even though I know Obama is at the highest position in the U.S. government, I don’t know him personally. I guess this is sorta… for the most part, minus one or two facts, the way I feel that my relationship with God can be. Maybe this is a very extreme way to look at it, but I think it drives the point home.

I’m afraid… afraid that I’ve been following the good teachings of Christianity rather than the Son of God Himself. And I’ve come to my own conclusion that just following the teachings of the bible is empty. I can’t live solely on the fact that I’m a “good Christian” cause I do the do’s and don’t do the don’t’s. There’s gotta be more. But you know what, honestly… it’s easier just to go through the motions of being Christian through works and good deeds than to think about these thoughts… to honestly stop and think about what I’m doing and what it means. If I can choose, I think I would rather not think about these things because it’s very scary. To think… I’ve been lying to myself for the past 5 years… maybe I’m not following God at all… it’s overwhelming to think about and even harder to actually admit. And I think it keeps me from wanting to find the true answer..

Maybe I have been putting God into a mere concept/idea. “For God so loved the world that He sent His one and only son, that whoever would believe in Him will have everlasting life.” I think I typed that correctly without looking at the bible. Point being that I can regurgitate that without much thought sometimes. But He didn’t just die for the world, He died for me. And I think I overlook that so much. He died for me…. not just him, her, them… but more importantly, He died for me.

For God so loved Michelle that He sent His one and only son, that if Michelle believed in Him will have eternal life with Him in heaven.

holding hands

Today as I was walking back from class I noticed a Chinese mother and daughter strolling through campus and holding hands. What struck me was how it was the daughter who initiated the hand-holding. For a few seconds, the daughter had let go of her mother’s hand to find something in her purse. But immediately after she was finished, she reached behind to grabbed her mother’s hand once more. I just thought it was very cute and beautiful. It just made me think of the last time I held one of my parent’s hands. I can’t really seem to remember. I think I’m almost shameful to hold my parents’ hands in public… it feels “uncool” or something. I probably used to hold their hands, but I grew out of it pretty soon after my adolescent years. I wonder if it made them sad when I decided to stop holding their hands.

Looking at these two strangers today made me think of the relationship between a parent and child. What’s my relationship like with my parents? It’s not the end of the world that I don’t hold their hand… I can perhaps blame it on how Chinese people don’t like to be touchy or my family isn’t really touchy. But I can’t deny the fact that I don’t feel proud to be with them. I think a simple example of not holding their hands raises a lot of indirect heart issues for me– my bad attitudes toward them, the intimacy of our relationship or lack there of, my pride and lack of love towards them.

Beyond just seeing the issues in my relationship with my parents, I can kind of see similar issues with my relationship with God. If Jesus became man again and I had the opportunity to stroll around campus with Him, I’m not quite sure if I’ll hold His hand either because I’ll be ashamed. I think I’ll be more worried about how other people see me than to be doing whatever I can to show my love towards Him.